so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
