I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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