True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dicks are not precious.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
