just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
