You smell like a Billy Joel song
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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