he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
