My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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