I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
