How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
