yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
