I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
