If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
