Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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