Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
