I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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