Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
