can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
