The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
