I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
