She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
