And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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