Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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