There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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