Having a random hookup so left but love u
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you win again, gameday.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
