my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
