I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
