There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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