so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
