she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
