So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
