dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
