filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
