Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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