I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
