Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
