it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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