i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
