Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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