Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
