My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
two words: eviction party
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
