I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
