I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
