hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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