You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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