I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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