the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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