Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
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I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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