There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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