I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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