p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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