Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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