I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
