Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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