Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
