I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
