I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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