Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
