I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
